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Woo Hoo Revelation!

August 19, 2010

Warning: Some destructive thoughts about weight and self worth.

So, as I’ve said before, I’ve gained weight. And I’ve been having a lot of trouble coming to terms with it. The regular litany of self flagellation has made itself known, through the thoughts such as, “Damnit. I was so much thinner last summer. None of my clothes fit. I can’t run as far. I feel like such a horrible person because I can’t figure out this intuitive eating thing, or figure out why I’m emotionally eating. I should be able to figure this shit out…it’s only been, what, SIX FUCKING YEARS, that I’ve been in recovery?!?”

I only write out these thoughts to make the point that I’m still beating myself up. After learning all about self-acceptance, being in the moment, speaking kindly to myself, and putting an end to the guilt ridden inner dialouge, I still find reasons to beat myself up because I “can’t figure out what’s wrong with me” in order to stop eating so much. While it’s different from the anorexic voice in my head that spoke of my laziness and gluttony, this voice is similar because it speaks of my inability to follow every single principle of recovery and intuitive eating.

And so, I have vowed decided to work on my ability to recognize when I’m beating myself up, to buy new clothes that fit and are comfortable, and to accept where I am right now. That means I’m not perfect, I still overeat sometimes, and there is no way in hell I can do every single thing right.

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